Some funny stuff

This is where we're going to let you know if something good is going on, as well as some of the latest posts to our contests.

Funny Email of the Day... 8/22/2018
Original Author Unknown

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?  What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.  Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Funny Email of the Day... 8/21/2018
Original Author Unknown

Rated PG

A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says:

“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know 5 things:

1.  The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2.  The bouncer is a blond girl.

3.  I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4.  The woman sitting next to me a is a blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5.  The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.  Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”  The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No... not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Funny Email of the Day... 6/28/2018

Original Author Unknown

Husband 1.0 Malfunction

Rated: PG

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply  that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running  5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.  Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2.   Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.  

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.  In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot   learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Funny Email of the Day... 6/27/2018

Original author unknown

Great Texas Chili Cook-off

 PG-13 - This will bring tears to your eyes…

NOTE: Take time to read this slowly.  If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time the rodeo comes to town.   It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild
Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that’s the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain, I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA.  I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili #4 Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out tastebuds?  Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I’m eating.  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.  She must be kinkier than I thought.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.  I’ve decide to stop breathing, it’s too painful.  Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it.  Poor dude - wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

June 25, 2018

Bob Smiley Grabs the Lead After Week 2

We think Bob Smiley brings a whole new angle to comedy, and we're glad he's joined the competition.  He's been quick to gain votes, so he's going to be hard to catch.

June 16, 2018

Tommy Savitt Takes the Lead After Week 1

There's just something about Tommy that's irresistible to women.  Go to our Contest page and show him some more love!

June 14, 2018

Our First Contestant Rocks!

Take a look at Claudine Ullman's stand-up routine and if you like her, go to our Contest page and vote for her!

Subscribe to the Club Improv Blog:

Want to see other Comedy Competitions?  Maybe it's in a certain category like Senior Comedians; or Political Humor.  Tell us your thoughts below and we'll check things out:

Competitions I'd love to see:

Click to enter text

© Copyright Club Improv